Hello! Hello!
Hello! Hello!
Summer 2002
I must be the last of my kind. I don't own a cell phone. Never have. Never will. Tonight on the way home I nearly got broadsided by an idiot in an SUV who ran a red light while talking on his cell phone. He had his left hand up to his ear and his right hand on the wheel. His attention span was somewhere in the ozone until I blasted him with the horn. That brought his attention down to earth. He dropped his phone and gave me the finger. I returned the gesture. Will he learn? I doubt it. I would have executed him on the spot, but I don't own a gun yet.
Frankly speaking, I don't think people should be talking on their phones while driving. It's simply too dangerous. Sure mostly everyone can walk and chew gum at the same time, but a conversation takes concentration. You need to listen, absorb the information you hear, and respond to it. Easier said than done. Too many stupid people are allowed to own cell phones. There should be an IQ test.
I'm sure everyone has a story to tell about some jerk blathering to a drinking buddy about his favourite sports team while tail-gating a family of four down a busy freeway. Even hands free phones are unsafe. My salesman has one as the company requires it. Does it help? No. He's a menace on the road when he's talking and he is always talking. He has the salesman's gift of the gab and the concentration level of a lobotomized gnat. I won't drive with him. He should be put to death.
So why do people insist on talking on their phones all day long? Is it that they feel they are so important that others need access to them at all times? I travel quite a bit and every single time Ithe plane pulls into the gate half the passengers immediately whizz out the phones and start dialing. "Yoo hoo, I've arrived. Here I am. Over here. See me waving?" No kidding! Weren't you the same people who were jabbering into the phone at the point of departure making arrangements for your idiot inbred Oklahoman cousin to meet you at the arrival gate? Why, yes you are. Didn't think they'd make it after you shouted the arrival time, the terminal number and traffic directions at them for 45 minutes prior to departure? You should be shot. Thankfully airlines ban the use of cell phones in flight. No, its not because of electrical disturbances that can throw off a plane's navigation systems. It's so the pilots don't have phone sex with flight attendants and fly into the side of a mountain.
No one is so important that they need to have their cell phones on at all times. Except possibly Heads of State, but then they usually have an aide with them fully trained in public etiquette.
So Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Here's a thought. How about inventing an impenetrable privacy bubble that automatically deploys over a cell phone user when they begin to dial. This would at least spare us all the supermarket aisle conversations. "What do you want for supper tonight? I don't care either. I don't know. Why don't you make a decision? What do you feel like?" Yeah? Here's what I feel like. I feel like shoving you into the tomato soup can display and then kicking you to death. Take some cyanide-laced cajun crab-cakes home and do a taste test experiment.
And what about at the movies? "Hello! Hello! Hang on. I need to stick my finger in my ear. It's too loud in here! There. That's better Now I can shout. I'm at the movies. What's the movie about? Well, it's a bit hard to explain. It's about some guy at the movies talking on a cell phone while annoying a conscientious citizen who simply wants to hear what the movie is about, but can't because some guy is talking on his cell phone really loudly. Yeah, it's at the part now where he is quietly strangled from behi........" Click. "The number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please hang up and try your call again."
Turn the thing off. Its not like powering down a nuclear reactor. Push the "Off." button. It works. Try it sometime. It's not there just for show.
Yeah, I know. They come handy in emergencies. Got a flat tire you're too lazy to fix yourself? That's right dial 911. Jam up the emergency lines so the jerk who ran out of gas two miles further along can't get through. If it's a real emergency, use someone else's phone. Everyone else has one. Save a dime.
Well, I've said my piece. I'm now going to jam up my one single solitary household phone line and go online to look up the price of tea in China and then go into a chat room and talk about it with like minded individuals. Just don't drive with your chin, nose, knee or elbow while dialing your sister in Milwaukee to tell her you got a great deal on provolone at $2.99 a pound. Wait until you get home to call her. If you don't, I'll rig your phone with an electric current that makes your eyeballs pop and your hair smoke when your phone rings. And then I'll douse you with the garden hose to try and put the fire out.
Summer 2002
I must be the last of my kind. I don't own a cell phone. Never have. Never will. Tonight on the way home I nearly got broadsided by an idiot in an SUV who ran a red light while talking on his cell phone. He had his left hand up to his ear and his right hand on the wheel. His attention span was somewhere in the ozone until I blasted him with the horn. That brought his attention down to earth. He dropped his phone and gave me the finger. I returned the gesture. Will he learn? I doubt it. I would have executed him on the spot, but I don't own a gun yet.
Frankly speaking, I don't think people should be talking on their phones while driving. It's simply too dangerous. Sure mostly everyone can walk and chew gum at the same time, but a conversation takes concentration. You need to listen, absorb the information you hear, and respond to it. Easier said than done. Too many stupid people are allowed to own cell phones. There should be an IQ test.
I'm sure everyone has a story to tell about some jerk blathering to a drinking buddy about his favourite sports team while tail-gating a family of four down a busy freeway. Even hands free phones are unsafe. My salesman has one as the company requires it. Does it help? No. He's a menace on the road when he's talking and he is always talking. He has the salesman's gift of the gab and the concentration level of a lobotomized gnat. I won't drive with him. He should be put to death.
So why do people insist on talking on their phones all day long? Is it that they feel they are so important that others need access to them at all times? I travel quite a bit and every single time Ithe plane pulls into the gate half the passengers immediately whizz out the phones and start dialing. "Yoo hoo, I've arrived. Here I am. Over here. See me waving?" No kidding! Weren't you the same people who were jabbering into the phone at the point of departure making arrangements for your idiot inbred Oklahoman cousin to meet you at the arrival gate? Why, yes you are. Didn't think they'd make it after you shouted the arrival time, the terminal number and traffic directions at them for 45 minutes prior to departure? You should be shot. Thankfully airlines ban the use of cell phones in flight. No, its not because of electrical disturbances that can throw off a plane's navigation systems. It's so the pilots don't have phone sex with flight attendants and fly into the side of a mountain.
No one is so important that they need to have their cell phones on at all times. Except possibly Heads of State, but then they usually have an aide with them fully trained in public etiquette.
So Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Here's a thought. How about inventing an impenetrable privacy bubble that automatically deploys over a cell phone user when they begin to dial. This would at least spare us all the supermarket aisle conversations. "What do you want for supper tonight? I don't care either. I don't know. Why don't you make a decision? What do you feel like?" Yeah? Here's what I feel like. I feel like shoving you into the tomato soup can display and then kicking you to death. Take some cyanide-laced cajun crab-cakes home and do a taste test experiment.
And what about at the movies? "Hello! Hello! Hang on. I need to stick my finger in my ear. It's too loud in here! There. That's better Now I can shout. I'm at the movies. What's the movie about? Well, it's a bit hard to explain. It's about some guy at the movies talking on a cell phone while annoying a conscientious citizen who simply wants to hear what the movie is about, but can't because some guy is talking on his cell phone really loudly. Yeah, it's at the part now where he is quietly strangled from behi........" Click. "The number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please hang up and try your call again."
Turn the thing off. Its not like powering down a nuclear reactor. Push the "Off." button. It works. Try it sometime. It's not there just for show.
Yeah, I know. They come handy in emergencies. Got a flat tire you're too lazy to fix yourself? That's right dial 911. Jam up the emergency lines so the jerk who ran out of gas two miles further along can't get through. If it's a real emergency, use someone else's phone. Everyone else has one. Save a dime.
Well, I've said my piece. I'm now going to jam up my one single solitary household phone line and go online to look up the price of tea in China and then go into a chat room and talk about it with like minded individuals. Just don't drive with your chin, nose, knee or elbow while dialing your sister in Milwaukee to tell her you got a great deal on provolone at $2.99 a pound. Wait until you get home to call her. If you don't, I'll rig your phone with an electric current that makes your eyeballs pop and your hair smoke when your phone rings. And then I'll douse you with the garden hose to try and put the fire out.
posted by alex malcolm at 5:42 pm
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