The Night Before Christmas
Christmas 1998
Twas the night before Christmas and inside our house
A creature was stirring and it frightened my spouse
The dishes were placed in the washer I swear
In the hopes that my wife would turn it on if she cared
The children were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of M & M's danced in their heads
Maydee was in the kitchen at long last and I with my night cap
Had just settled down to watch some satellite crap
When next to the dishwasher there arose such a clatter
That I spilled my Scotch drink and went for another
Away to the booze cabinet I flew in a flash
Tore open the MacAllan and poured a 3 finger splash
The light on the tile floor shone like new fallen snow
Illuminating centruroides sculpturatus - you've heard about scorpions before?
Then what to my wondering eyes should appear
But my little small son and his tired sister dear
Toward them the scorpion scuttled so lively and quick
I knew in a flash it would give them a prick
More rapid than Nascar my scotch glass down it came
Upturned and dumped out a $12 shot, oh what a shame
Oh bugger! Oh blast it! Oh J____s Aitch C____t
Why couldn't it be Johnny Walker Red or something less nice
To the top of the counter, thence up the wall
My wife and the children dashed away all
And from under the Scotch glass came a tippety tap
The scorpion tried stinging. Alas it found itself trapped
Now out on the rooftop my entire family hid
And inside I found a jar with a tight fitting lid
While I was tightening I heard on the roof
My wife wailing and the pawing of four little hooves
Some time later when I had had my dry sac
I felt a tap on my shoulder and my wife appeared. Alas and alack!
Clenched together and still snarling in fear, oh those shiny white teeth
Blazed through the smoke that encircled her head like a wreath
And the look in her eye gave cause for a grow man to fear
Enough is enough she said when she spoke. We can no longer live here
Mellow be rested came the half sober reply
In the morning call that idiot the Terminix guy
With a flash of her eye and a 360 degree turn of her head
I knew I should shut up lest I find myself dead
So I hopped in the car and I drove out of sight
Does anyone know where I can find a fresh litre of the MacAllan at this time of night?
Twas the night before Christmas and inside our house
A creature was stirring and it frightened my spouse
The dishes were placed in the washer I swear
In the hopes that my wife would turn it on if she cared
The children were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of M & M's danced in their heads
Maydee was in the kitchen at long last and I with my night cap
Had just settled down to watch some satellite crap
When next to the dishwasher there arose such a clatter
That I spilled my Scotch drink and went for another
Away to the booze cabinet I flew in a flash
Tore open the MacAllan and poured a 3 finger splash
The light on the tile floor shone like new fallen snow
Illuminating centruroides sculpturatus - you've heard about scorpions before?
Then what to my wondering eyes should appear
But my little small son and his tired sister dear
Toward them the scorpion scuttled so lively and quick
I knew in a flash it would give them a prick
More rapid than Nascar my scotch glass down it came
Upturned and dumped out a $12 shot, oh what a shame
Oh bugger! Oh blast it! Oh J____s Aitch C____t
Why couldn't it be Johnny Walker Red or something less nice
To the top of the counter, thence up the wall
My wife and the children dashed away all
And from under the Scotch glass came a tippety tap
The scorpion tried stinging. Alas it found itself trapped
Now out on the rooftop my entire family hid
And inside I found a jar with a tight fitting lid
While I was tightening I heard on the roof
My wife wailing and the pawing of four little hooves
Some time later when I had had my dry sac
I felt a tap on my shoulder and my wife appeared. Alas and alack!
Clenched together and still snarling in fear, oh those shiny white teeth
Blazed through the smoke that encircled her head like a wreath
And the look in her eye gave cause for a grow man to fear
Enough is enough she said when she spoke. We can no longer live here
Mellow be rested came the half sober reply
In the morning call that idiot the Terminix guy
With a flash of her eye and a 360 degree turn of her head
I knew I should shut up lest I find myself dead
So I hopped in the car and I drove out of sight
Does anyone know where I can find a fresh litre of the MacAllan at this time of night?
posted by alex malcolm at 9:07 pm
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