A Really Stupid Truck Driver
October 2001
If there is one thing I dread when I go into work each day it's getting caught up in a conversation with a truck driver who also happens to be a complete and utter imbecile. Trust me, there are plenty of them out there piloting heavy loads across North America. Today I met what in medieval terms would have been called the Village Idiot.This is a completely true conversation.
How y'all doing today?
Y'all? There's only one of me in the office at present.
Huh? Oh. I'm bringin' yuh a trailer back.
Okay, let me find the paperwork on it.
Hey, yuh hear that Osama bin Laden's a lot more dangerous than what they figured?
How's that?
He got some kinda nuke - not a big one like ours 'course, but like suitcase size.
Really? Where did you hear that?
Oh some buddy of mine tol' me he heard it on the radio today. They need to catch that bastard.
Your buddy?
No man, bin Laden.
Uh huh. Well they're trying to. They're just trying to find out where he is.
I know where he is and how to get 'im. If it was up to me I'd git 'im in two days. No more'n that.
And how would you succeed where the entire might of the U.S. military has not?
Well, he's hidin' in a cave right?
That is the general supposition, yes.
All you need to do is get a buncha bats, like mebbe 5000 or so and attach transmitters to 'em and fly 'em into the cave and that'd tell us how many people are hidin' in there.
Come again?
Sure. Like radar right. Bats live in caves right?
Ye-es. (At this point I was perhaps more incredulous than I have ever been in my entire life)
So fly 'em in there with radar transmitters and that'd tell us how many of Osama's buddies are in there.
Is this a joke?
Hell no man. I was in the army. I know what'll work. They's jus' going about it the wrong way is all. Two days. I'd get 'im.
You know, I don't usually argue with customers, in the interests of customer service you understand. In your case, I'm going to make an exception. While your theory itself is - how do I put this - interesting - there are some practical difficulties. You won't mind if I review some which pop immediately to mind? No? Good. Here they are.
1. In Afghanistan there are roughly a gazillion caves. 5000 bats x a gazillion caves is a lot of bats.
2. You would need 5000 gazillion transmitters.
3. You would need to catch 5000 gazillion bats, feed them, transport them and house them before attaching the transmitters.
4. You would then have to train them to fly into the cave of your choice and not up the nearest fruit tree.
5. What if Osama had a door built into the cave? The bats couldn't get in.
6. If there was a door, you would see it and know already that is a likely spot to bomb so why waste time with bats?
7. If there was no door, maybe Osama would have rigged some netting to catch native Afghan bats that would otherwise try and roost in his beard in their off hours, assuming the netting wasn't in place to thwart trained American reconaissance bats. You have just provided him with food for a month.
8. If there was no door and no netting or any other sort of obstruction, and no Osama either, how would you get the bats out again? I mean why waste all that money on trained radar equipped bats? Perhaps you could use trained falcons that would swoop in and gently carry the bats out in their talons? See objections 1 through 4.
9. If there were people in the cave, how could you be sure they would be Osama and Co? Maybe they would be frightened civilians hiding from a flock of electronically equipped American terror bats?
10. Why not use a small drone instead? Or a Cox airplane?
11. Why am I wasting time talking to you about this?
It'd work man. I'm tellin' yuh.
No. No it wouldn't work. This is such a harebrained scheme it defies desription. Even the CIA in their wildest hallucinations wouldn't dream up something like this.
That's where you're wrong, man. There's weird things and weird people out there in the world.
Yes. You have finally hit on the truth there. There most certainly are.
So you think it'd work?
Sure. But why not send in vampire bats? Have them suck the blood out of Osama and save the effort of training and equipping other varieties of bats with transmitters? If you sent enough of them, and starved them enough first, there'd be nothing left of Osama and the boys in the black hats.
Now you're pulling my leg. There ain't no such things as vampire bats. That's just in movies man. Hey you ever see that vampire show about the truck stop in Mexico and everyone turns into vampires and tries to eat the preacher guy and his daughter? Man, I'd have kicked some ass there. No vampire'd ever get me man. No way!
That was based on a true story.
No way?
Really?
Hell yeah.
If there is one thing I dread when I go into work each day it's getting caught up in a conversation with a truck driver who also happens to be a complete and utter imbecile. Trust me, there are plenty of them out there piloting heavy loads across North America. Today I met what in medieval terms would have been called the Village Idiot.This is a completely true conversation.
How y'all doing today?
Y'all? There's only one of me in the office at present.
Huh? Oh. I'm bringin' yuh a trailer back.
Okay, let me find the paperwork on it.
Hey, yuh hear that Osama bin Laden's a lot more dangerous than what they figured?
How's that?
He got some kinda nuke - not a big one like ours 'course, but like suitcase size.
Really? Where did you hear that?
Oh some buddy of mine tol' me he heard it on the radio today. They need to catch that bastard.
Your buddy?
No man, bin Laden.
Uh huh. Well they're trying to. They're just trying to find out where he is.
I know where he is and how to get 'im. If it was up to me I'd git 'im in two days. No more'n that.
And how would you succeed where the entire might of the U.S. military has not?
Well, he's hidin' in a cave right?
That is the general supposition, yes.
All you need to do is get a buncha bats, like mebbe 5000 or so and attach transmitters to 'em and fly 'em into the cave and that'd tell us how many people are hidin' in there.
Come again?
Sure. Like radar right. Bats live in caves right?
Ye-es. (At this point I was perhaps more incredulous than I have ever been in my entire life)
So fly 'em in there with radar transmitters and that'd tell us how many of Osama's buddies are in there.
Is this a joke?
Hell no man. I was in the army. I know what'll work. They's jus' going about it the wrong way is all. Two days. I'd get 'im.
You know, I don't usually argue with customers, in the interests of customer service you understand. In your case, I'm going to make an exception. While your theory itself is - how do I put this - interesting - there are some practical difficulties. You won't mind if I review some which pop immediately to mind? No? Good. Here they are.
1. In Afghanistan there are roughly a gazillion caves. 5000 bats x a gazillion caves is a lot of bats.
2. You would need 5000 gazillion transmitters.
3. You would need to catch 5000 gazillion bats, feed them, transport them and house them before attaching the transmitters.
4. You would then have to train them to fly into the cave of your choice and not up the nearest fruit tree.
5. What if Osama had a door built into the cave? The bats couldn't get in.
6. If there was a door, you would see it and know already that is a likely spot to bomb so why waste time with bats?
7. If there was no door, maybe Osama would have rigged some netting to catch native Afghan bats that would otherwise try and roost in his beard in their off hours, assuming the netting wasn't in place to thwart trained American reconaissance bats. You have just provided him with food for a month.
8. If there was no door and no netting or any other sort of obstruction, and no Osama either, how would you get the bats out again? I mean why waste all that money on trained radar equipped bats? Perhaps you could use trained falcons that would swoop in and gently carry the bats out in their talons? See objections 1 through 4.
9. If there were people in the cave, how could you be sure they would be Osama and Co? Maybe they would be frightened civilians hiding from a flock of electronically equipped American terror bats?
10. Why not use a small drone instead? Or a Cox airplane?
11. Why am I wasting time talking to you about this?
It'd work man. I'm tellin' yuh.
No. No it wouldn't work. This is such a harebrained scheme it defies desription. Even the CIA in their wildest hallucinations wouldn't dream up something like this.
That's where you're wrong, man. There's weird things and weird people out there in the world.
Yes. You have finally hit on the truth there. There most certainly are.
So you think it'd work?
Sure. But why not send in vampire bats? Have them suck the blood out of Osama and save the effort of training and equipping other varieties of bats with transmitters? If you sent enough of them, and starved them enough first, there'd be nothing left of Osama and the boys in the black hats.
Now you're pulling my leg. There ain't no such things as vampire bats. That's just in movies man. Hey you ever see that vampire show about the truck stop in Mexico and everyone turns into vampires and tries to eat the preacher guy and his daughter? Man, I'd have kicked some ass there. No vampire'd ever get me man. No way!
That was based on a true story.
No way?
Really?
Hell yeah.
posted by alex malcolm at 6:49 pm
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