Colorado Government

Colorado Government
Autumn 2004

Having lived in Colorado for a year and a half now, I can say with conviction that I have never seen such governmental incompetence and municipal stupidity anywhere other than here. Alberta's laws and governance had its little quirks, as did Arizona's. Nevertheless, Colorado is in a class all its own. Maybe the altitude gets to you after a while. I don't know. You decide.
Earlier this year one of the local municipalities had a recall election for the City Clerk & Recorder. This elected position, common to most Colorado towns and cities, is a fairly important one as the responsibilities of the job include oversight of local tax revenues and voting. The City Clerk & Recorder in question had an ongoing sexual affair with the Deputy City Clerk & Recorder. The affair was common knowledge inside the city offices. Unfortunately, the Clerk & Recorder's wife did not work in the city offices and was consequently left in the dark. Until one sunny morning when another city employee, who had recently received a poor performance review and was therefore in jeopardy of losing her job, suddenly decided the atmosphere in the office was oppressive and intimidating.
In an effort to divert attention from her own inadequacies, she made the affair public knowledge by reporting it to the local newspaper. After much investigation and the subsequent publication of uncovered and rather juicy emails sent between the Clerk & Recorder and the Deputy Clerk & Recorder, the Clerk & Recorder was offered a choice: face a recall election and possible loss of your $100K per year job or accept a $250K buyout and leave voluntarily. Not a hard decision you'd think. You'd be wrong. The Clerk & Recorder accepted the $250K buyout on the condition that the Deputy Clerk & Recorder also receive the opportunity to resign voluntarily along with the same monetary golden handshake. After all, they were partners in intrigue. This condition was refused, the offer was withdrawn and a recall election was held, which the Clerk & Recorder lost. He did go out fighting though. Part of his job was to ensure that all electronic voting machines (no paper ballots here) are fully charged the night before elections. For some strange reason he forgot to perform this part of his job and the recall election had to be postponed for a week. The total cost of the fiasco from start to finish exceeded half a million taxpayer dollars. Why not simply insert a clause into the swearing-in ceremony that says "If I fail to keep my pants on during the job, I can be impeached." Wouldn't this be much simpler and cost effective?
I am not an American citizen, yet I hold a Colorado driver's license. I work with two American citizens who recently moved here from out of state and who do not hold Colorado driver's licenses. Moreover, they cannot get Colorado driver's licenses because they are unable to prove they are legally resident in the United States.
Because I am not an American citizen, I have to have all my ducks in a row in order to stay here. To that end, I have a permanent resident or 'green' card, which is actually beige and not green, but that's beside the point. This card is accepted as proof that I am legally resident in the United States. I can get a Colorado driver's license with it.
However, American citizens do not have green cards simply because they aren't immigrants. They have to rely on things like birth certificates, marriage certificates, social security numbers, passports and so on to prove they are legally entitled to residency. Unfortunately, the state of Colorado requires the presentation of at least two of these documents, in the original, before they will grudgingly admit there is a greater than average chance that the bearer is actually a bonafide American resident. Out of state driver's licenses do not count toward proof of residency in the United States. I suppose that would make things much too easy.
The two Americans I work with do not have the originals of their birth certificates, one isn't married and the other cannot provide an original marriage certificate. Neither have passports. This leaves a social security number to prove they are legally resident. That's good enough for the federal government, but not for the state of Colorado. One employee offered to show his Colorado Concealed Weapons Permit as additional proof of residency, but as the permit was issued by the county authorities in his county of residence on behalf of the state of Colorado - and not actually issued by the state of Colorado - it is not listed as acceptable documentation toward getting a driver's license. So, you can legally conceal your gun, but not legally drive your car. Hmm. Perhaps this helps prevent drive by shootings.
And finally, the last straw. In a splendid display of intercommunity cooperation, the cities of Denver, Lakewood and Aurora have voted $300,000.00 between them to research, promote and hold a marathon along Colfax Avenue, a thoroughfare common to all three communities. For those of you unfamiliar with the metro-Denver area, Colfax Avenue is the worst piece of real estate Colorado has to offer. Most of the people seen running along Colfax are fleeing from the police or running for their lives. In Denver itself, they are doing both simultaneously.
By now, you are probably thinking I'm being overly negative in my view of Colorado state and municipal authorities. And a marathon is a positive thing isn't it? So then. Let's look at the positives of holding a marathon along Colfax Avenue.
There is a certain joy to be had from the ornamentation of the antique store fronts. Kitschy, but enjoyable. Out of town contestants can awaken from a pleasant night at one of the delightful retro motels that line Colfax. Many of these offer clean rooms and cable. You can expect nothing less from such first rate establishments. They can stay at the Vista Motel (no vista), Mon Chalet (no chalet) or the Sand & Sage Motel (no & no).
If marathon participants are in need of a pick me up, they can stop at one of the numerous and abnormally busy payphones along the route. Dial a certain number and like magic a gentleman will appear with a bag of meth or crack or any of a large variety of other narcotics. Runners may also stop for a drink at Saturday's Dancing Club (all nude, all the time) or at Kitty's (we never close).
In the mood for romance? A recent newspaper article indicated that 82% of all prostitution arrests occur within two blocks of Colfax. And most of the motels also offer convenient hourly rates.
Should money pose a problem, cash a cheque at one of the dozens of cheque cashing establishments that dot the landscape. Or, those brand new $120.00 Carmelo Anthony 1.5 running shoes may be pawned at any number of pawn shops located a quarter block from one another.
Maybe in a further display of intercommunity cooperation, a symbiotic relationship between the runners and the police may be developed. Runners could paste most-wanted posters on boarded up stores as they pass and the police, in turn, can drive alongside and shield the runners from gunfire.
Or maybe the cities will come to their senses and realize there is a reason Colfax isn't already teeming with joggers. Fix the street, spend the $300,000.00 improving the lives of those who already live there. Afterwards, the locals can park their Range Rovers and enjoy a run. Who knows? Maybe the cars will still be there when they return.